Remembering
by Niemand5
Summary: One of the countless evenings soon after Harry's fifth year.
1. Arriving

**Arriving**  
  
.  
  
I'm still awake. The clock says it's 1:37 in the morning. It doesn't matter. I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep since--since--  
  
The house is so quite. I've never really noticed it before. Everybody else is sleeping peacefully. Not a sound. It makes my ears ring. The forced, unnatural stillness annoys me. I feel like I'm suffocating. I've never really thought of it before. This isn't a house..._it's a tomb_.  
  
I have to get out. I need some air. I feel as though if I stay inside one second longer I'll die. _Like Sirius..._ NO. I won't think about that. All I know is I have to leave. I slip on my shoes and practically run out of my room. I_ have to get out, I have to get out...  
_  
I know it's incredibly stupid to leave in the dead of night but I can't seem to stop. _I can feel myself suffocating..._ I run down the stairs as quietly as I can. _I'm starting to see spots in front of my eyes...  
_  
I fling open the front door and throw myself into the cold evening air. It's better but not much. I feel as though at anytime the house is going to extend an arm and sweep me back into that--that _coffin_. I have to get away.  
  
I start running. I don't know to where--wherever my feet take me suppose. I can feel the cold air rushing past my ears, sliding in and out of my lungs. _Left, right, left, left..._ I don't keep track of my turns. I know I'll probably get lost but I don't care. I just need to get away.  
  
I stop running and sit down on a low wall, panting for breath. The unexplainable terror is fading, ever so slowly. I look around and see an open gate that says "Oakwood Memorial Park." A fancy way to say a cemetery. We haven't done Sirius's memorial service yet so I know he isn't here but I enter anyway. A strange sort of calm overcomes me. The moon provides ample light, but, I notice with a bit of relief, it isn't full.  
  
I look around at the pieces of stone. _Reminders of a time once lost. Reminders of the people who left their mark on this world._ I push the grass away to look at the names. It's a fairly small cemetery so I stop in front of each grave and devote a moment to that person, only that person. _They deserve that much..._  
  
I hope all those people are happy, wherever they are. I hope they don't have any regrets. And I hope they know that somebody misses them. Even if it is only a scrawny 15 year old boy named Harry Potter.  
  
.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Sirius Black, etc. Oakwood Memorial Park is a real cemetery (where my Grandfather is buried) so therefore somebody owns it. Not sure who owns it, but I sure don't.  
  
A/N: This was planned to be just a single chapter thing. I might continue it, but probably not. 


	2. Awakening

A/N: Er—forget what I said about this being a one-shot thing,

,  
**Awakening  
**  
.  
  
"You've been here a long time."  
  
I open my eyes and see sunlight streaming on to the grass. It takes me a moment to remember where I am before I realize I must have fallen asleep. I even remember which headstone I'm leaning against. Sophia Waterman's.  
  
"You've been here a long time," the voice repeats. I look up and see the voice belongs to a girl around my age. The girl has long black hair, pale skin and light brown eyes. She comes closer and sits down by a headstone near where I am sitting.  
  
I realize I should say something so I just say "Yeah."  
  
"I saw you walking around the headstones," she says in her calm voice.  
  
I feel myself blush slightly and try to work something out say but she speaks first.  
  
"That was nice of you."  
  
I stutter out a very quiet "Thanks."  
  
We just sit there quietly for a while until she speaks once more.  
  
"I'm sorry for your loss."  
  
I realize she must think that these headstones belong to relatives of mine so I quickly say, "These aren't my family."  
  
She looks at me with her calm brown eyes and says, "I meant Sirius."  
  
I am quite surprised and I imagine my face shows it. "How'd you know about Sirius?"  
  
She stays quiet for a bit before she replies. "If you listen and observe you'd be surprised how much you can learn."  
  
There's a quiet beauty of that line so I stay silent while I contemplate it.  
  
"You know he's still here." It isn't a question but rather a softly spoken statement.  
  
I have a feeling I know what she's getting at but I still say, "What do you mean?"  
  
"He's all around you. Watching over you. Making sure you'll be alright. Your parents are too."  
  
I've heard similar things a lot but somehow when she says it...it just seems more true.  
  
We sit there a bit longer, just appreciating the sunlight and the smell of the grass. I realize that they're probably worrying about me back at Grimmauld Place but somehow I don't want to leave.  
  
The girl--I still don't know her name--starts speaking in her quiet, all- knowing voice, "You should get going. The Order will start to worry."  
  
I don't ask how she knows about The Order and I'm not suspicious. Somehow, she just knows. I stand up and say, "Yeah." I swallow before I realize I don't know how to get back to Grimmauld Place.  
  
"Do you want me to walk with you?"  
  
I feel myself smile and say, "Yeah, that'd be nice."  
  
She smiles back and stands up. Her white-with-flowers summer dress somehow managed to avoid all grass stains. She walks over to me and grabs my hand. I'm surprised at how icy cold it is. We walk out and I glance back to make sure I remember the name of the cemetery. I'm not sure why I want to remember it, I just do.  
  
We walk slowly, stopping to smell the flowers and listen to the birds. I notice she smells of lavender. I gather my courage and decide to ask her a question. "Are you a witch?"  
  
I notice her give a slight nod before she replies. "I know you're a wizard."  
  
I'm not particularly surprised. She seems to know a lot more than normal people and the entire wizarding world knows who I am.  
  
We walk a bit more and I notice we're at the end of the block where Grimmauld Place is. I'm disappointed. Somehow I hoped we could just keep walking.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Always remember to listen and never forget to look. You can find the ones you love in others."  
  
I nod, not really sure what she means.  
  
"And Harry?"  
  
I look up at here, into those surprisingly deep eyes.  
  
"Whenever you feel lost go to where you met me and you shall find me again."  
  
I nod and we keep walking. We're nearing Grimmauld palace when I decide to ask her one last question. "Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Sophia."  
  
I nod and say "That's a nice name."  
  
She smiles and says "So is Harry."  
  
We're at the walkway to Grimmauld Place when I turn and smile at her.  
  
"Goodbye, Harry," she says softly.  
  
"Wait!" I blurt out.  
  
She turns back to me. I lean forward and give her a kiss, slightly startled to find her lips are colder than ice. When it ends she smiles at me and I smile at her.  
  
"Goodbye, Harry."  
  
"Goodbye, Sophia."  
  
I'm holding her hand when all of a sudden the door to number 12 Grimmauld Palace bursts open. Mrs. Weasley runs out followed by Hermione, Ginny and Ron. She envelops me in a hug and seems close to tears. I feel a hand slip away from mine.  
  
"Oh Harry! We were so worried about you! Where were you?"  
  
I smile and for a second I don't see Mrs. Weasley's red hair, I see my mothers. "I'm okay. I just got a bit lost." I break from Mrs. Weasley's hug and add, "Sophia helped me find my way back, though."  
  
"Who's Sophia?" Ron asks, looking utterly confused.  
  
I turn around to find Sophia and see that she's not there. "What? She was just here," I say confused. I wonder if she apparated but I would've heard the crack. Also, I could tell she was too young to have passed her apparating test.  
  
Ginny looks at me and says, "We didn't see anybody with you, Harry."  
  
I frown and say, "Huh, that's strange."  
  
"Oh well," Hermione juts in, obviously wanting to prevent an argument.  
  
They're all so excited to see me they practically push me to the door. I look back to the end of the walkway, one last time. And I suddenly smell the faintest hint of lavender.  
  
"Goodbye, Sophia," I whisper softly, knowing that she will never truly leave me.  
  
,

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Disclaimer: I do not own Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Molly Weasley, Harry Potter, Sirius Black or Hermione Granger. J.K. Rowling does. However, the plot and Sophia Waterman belong to me.  
  
A/N: Okay, now I'm pretty sure there won't be anymore chapters. Please review and I hope it isn't too confusing. I think I stuck just the right amount of hints in but I might be wrong.


	3. Remembering

A/N: Forget what I said about there being only two chapters. Also, for anybody who is confused about last chapter this chapter should clear it up. Happy reading.

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**Remembering**  
  
.  
  
How long has it been? I'm not sure. I suppose it depends what you're counting from.  
  
4 years since I saw Sophia.  
  
3 years since I started dating Ginny.  
  
2 years since Ron and Hermionie started dating.  
  
1 year since I became a murderer.  
  
I don't care how many people call me a hero, a savior, a bringer of the light, I am still a murderer.  
  
I have a job at the ministry now. I don't hate it. I don't love it. It's just something I do. Something to do until the end of the day. And sometimes at the end of the day I see Ginny. We go out to dinner. I don't hate it. I don't love it. It's just something to do until I go to bed. And then I fall asleep. And I wake up. And it starts over.  
  
I feel like I'm wandering. Drifting in the world. Unconnected to it all. I see a child laughing and I don't even consider that we're of the same species. Because we aren't really. I'm a murderer. That child is not.  
  
People can sugar coat the truth anyway they want. But really, I'm no better than the man I killed. Voldemort.  
  
I go for evening walks a lot, wandering aimlessly. Just to think. Maybe that's my problem. That I think too much. But I don't want to stop thinking, to be some mindless--mindless--_murderer_.  
  
I stick my freezing hands in my pockets. A breeze blows by, lifting my hair. I shiver slightly. But I don't care. I've been numb inside ever since. Not a speck of emotion. I thought I'd feel _something_. Anger, relief, happiness, accomplishment. Sadness. But I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I haven't felt anything for a year. I'm just a walking shell of a person.  
  
I don't realize where my feet are taking me until I see the gates. I'm not sure if they're more worn or if it's just my imagination. I don't care enough to look closer. I just proceed onward, ignoring the flowers and the bird's nest.  
  
I walk to her headstone and collapse to my knees in front of it. Suddenly I feel incredibly tired. Not physically. Mentally.  
  
I trace the engraved name with my fingers. What a beautiful name. _Sophia Waterman_. It rolls off my tongue. _Sophia...  
_  
My fingers move down to the dates. _April 6, 1964-August 31, 1980_ I was right. She was 16. Something tells me she was killed by Voldemort. But it doesn't matter. I am still a murderer.  
  
I lean my forehead against the cool stone and start to pray. I'm not sure for what. The words just start to spill out. "Sophia....Sophia. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have died. You didn't deserve to die." I pause for a brief interlude. "Please. Please help me. You said I could always find you when I was lost. I'm lost now. I don't know what to do or where to go. I just--I just--I need help. Please. Help me. Sophia."  
  
I close my eyes and pray silently a bit more. _I just need help, I just need help...  
_  
When I next open my eyes I'm not sure where I am. The headstone is gone as is the cemetery. I shakily stand up and look around. It's seems, like, just--_nothingness_. Nothingness that goes forever. A white nothingness.  
  
I turn around and she's there. "Sophia," I whisper, as though unsure it's her.  
  
She just smiles her smile. She's still wearing the same dress, still the same height. Still has the same eyes.  
  
I step forward uncertainly and then run forward to hug her. She hugs me back. We just stay like that for a while. I try not to notice that she's extremely cold. Cold as ice. Cold as death.  
  
We break apart but I continue to hold her hands. It's too good to be true.  
  
"It's been awhile," she says, smiling her sad smile.  
  
I choke out a "Yeah."  
  
She leads me over to two fairly large rocks that weren't there before. I don't ask where they came from. Sophia sits down and I follow suit.  
  
I want to drink her essence and listen to the silence but I know we can't stay there forever. I look into her deep brown eyes and softly say, "I'm a murderer. People can call me a hero all they want but I'm no better than Voldemort." My voice is starting to shake with anger. "I took a life. Somebody died at my hands!"  
  
"Harry,"  
  
"I'M A MURDERER!" I explode. "THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND VOLDEMORT! WILL PEOPLE BE CELEBRATING MY DEATH WHEN I DIE? 'OH LOOK THERE GOES THE MURDERER!'"  
  
I collapse back on the rock, shaking. "I'm no better than Voldemort," I say quietly, not sure if I am saying it to myself or her.  
  
"Harry?" I look up. "Do you want to know what makes you different?" I nod and take a steadying breath. "Voldemort murdered out of hatred, hatred for muggles, hatred for his father. You didn't. You killed out of love. Love for your life, love for others, love for your mother."  
  
I nod. It actually kind of makes sense. I still want to know something though. "Did--did Voldemort..."  
  
"Kill me?" she adds softly.  
  
I nod, not looking at her.  
  
I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. "He's sorry though. Dying was the best thing that ever happened to him." She gives a faint smile and I smile back.  
  
"Is he okay? Is everybody he killed okay?" I ask.  
  
She nods and adds, "Of course they wish they hadn't been killed but they've accepted it."  
  
"So--so everything's okay up there?"  
  
She nods and I'm slightly comforted.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
I look back up. "Live your life. Make sure you tell everybody you love that you appreciate them. And keep your eyes open. You'd be surprised how much history repeats itself, even in little things."  
  
I nod.  
  
"Harry, I'll always be here for you."  
  
"Thank you, Sophia. I-I really appreciate you. I even love you." I feel myself blush slightly.  
  
"I love you too, Harry. But as much as you may love me, you love Ginny more."  
  
I nod, and look away. "Are we going to have to part soon?" I ask.  
  
She nods and I lean in to kiss her. I swear her lips are a bit warmer than they were before and her scent of lavender is as strong as ever.  
  
We break and she says "You can always find me when you are feeling lost."  
  
I look into her brown eyes and try to contain my sadness. "Goodbye, Sophia."  
  
"Goodbye, Harry."  
  
"What's going to happen?" I ask.  
  
"You're going to wake up and think it was all a dream."  
  
"And is it?"  
  
She smiles and says "No, no, Harry. This was much more than a dream"  
  
I smile and suddenly feel something wet hit my shoulder. I open my eyes and see her gray headstone in front of me. I feel something clawing its way up my throat and I realize I am crying. I don't care that the rain is soaking me. I don't care that men aren't supposed to cry. I cry and cry. I cry for everything I've ever lost. But at the same time there are tears of joy. I know I will see her again. I know everything will turn out all right. I know Sophia will always be with me. And I know I can feel again.  
  
,  
  
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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or his world. I do own Sophia and the plot, though.  
  
A/N: Okay, _now _there aren't going to be any more chapters. Really!


End file.
